Plaing the family vacation: What can go wr0gn?

Lovely One and I are plaing a summer road trip across the country. By plaing, I mean we are discussing everything that can go wrong on the trip. Most couples consider sites they want to see. We discuss each other’s character flaws and how they will ruin our vacation.

It started when she told me I’d probably get irritable around Flagstaff and complain the rest of the way to North Carolina, where my side of the family lives. I told her I wouldn’t complain if I got peace and quiet for 3,000 miles. We’re taking the Little Red-Haired Girl and Lil One, so wish me luck on that.

A couple days later, I told Lovely One that her side of the family will likely devise something to spoil the trip.

As a middle child, she’s not allowed to enjoy life, and whenever I get time off work, the world arranges things so that I wish I was back at the desk on Pine Avenue.

I’m sure someone on her side of the family is plaing an emergency surgery in July.

We’ll be somewhere between Little Rock and a hard place and told by text how heartless we are for not U-tuing back to the urgent care.

The spoiling has started.

Someone at her work told Lovely One that Middle America is prone to flash floods and fires during the summer, and we should be careful.

Conceed, she called me.

I told her it’s not the floods and fires you have to worry about. It’s the locust plagues and frog swarms. Then I said not to worry, I would handle the itinerary, and she should just focus on every possible disaster, so we can be pumped up for the trip. Start with flat tires.

You guys are driving across the country in the heat of summer? We’ve heard it. With a 2-year-old? Filed that one away as well.

We got no points for always wanting to do the cross-country drive, and not wanting to inflict Lil One on passengers during a five-hour flight. Nope. We’re morons. Have a safe trip!

The one thing we’ve avoided so far is being told where we should stop on our jouey. You know how that goes. Mention to someone that you’re going somewhere and you find out you’ve lost the game of “Who Has Been There First.”

“If you’re near Sallisaw in Oklahoma,” they say, “you should check out Shad’s Catfish Hole. Dude, best catfish I ever had. Yeah, Memphis isn’t what it used to be back in the aughts.”

Advertisement

I read this on Facebook a lot. Some poor soul, excited about seeing a city for the first time, posts a photo of a place they discovered. Then come the social-signallers, telling their square friend where they should really go. “Love-love-loved Seattle when I was there! Mmm-hmm, Stumptown Coffee. Pike is all right, but you gotta see Capitol Hill.”

People mean well, I guess.

So we’re piecing together the trip — lining up stops, looking at hotels and dividing up the miles between big cities. It’s work to get ready for a vacation.

Being a swell guy and all, and to avoid responsibility and lessen the conflict, I told Lovely One to pick out the places she really wants to visit.

The main thing is, wherever we go, Lovely One and I will see places together for the first time. She wants to visit historic sites and devour barbecue. I want to introduce my Califoia girls to lightning bugs and crawdads.

Should be fun. At least to Flagstaff.