A road-trippers guide to chewing up the highway

Lovely One is booking hotels across America in preparation for the summer road trip that should officially end our marriage. Got about 45 days of matrimony left. We leave on July 1, if you waa loot the house.

While Lovely One has been locking in the hotels, I’ve been doing the more important work — calling gas stations along I-40 and asking what kind of snacks I should try.

I check online for fuel prices, so no worries there. AAA says the 2016 summer driving season is officially underway, with the lowest gas prices for this time of year in more than a decade.

The town of Needles still sticks in my craw. I remember a stop there a while back that took about $6 a gallon out of my rear-end. They’re still around $3.80. After that kind of gouging, I figured not to call for quick-mart food and prices.

But at the Gas & Grub in Kingman, Arizona, they recommended I pick up “The Bomb” burrito.

The Inteet tells me it’s one of those microwavable-type burritos my parents used to leave with me when they went to play Bingo. Gas in Kingman is around $2.20.

I skipped calling Albuquerque. That’s a spot for food photo social-signalling. I’m saving the money for local beer and Native American food. I trust that it will be the best beer and fry bread I’ve ever had. Certainly better than any you’ve had, if you haven’t had what I’m going to have in Albuquerque.

Over in Amarillo, gas prices are around $1.63, according the website Gas Price Watch. I called the Toot’n Totum to see what I should I eat. A nice lady recommended the peanut patty.

“They’re shaped in a red heart,” she said. “And No Man’s Land Beef Jerky.”

At a Hutch’s in Oklahoma, I asked if they have Moon Pies. They do. And they also have a “humongous deli,” a welcoming woman told me.

“Fried chicken is our big thing after church,” she said, before waing me that the temperature could be over 100 degrees by the time we get there. “Wear shorts or light pants,” she told me.

Websites put gas around $1.85 in Oklahoma.

I phoned a spot in Arkansas called the Chat-N-Scat.

“Chat,” a man answered.

“Hi, I’m a reporter with the Long Beach—”

“Speak up, I can’t hear you,” the man said.

I introduced myself more loudly.

“I’m too busy for you now sir,” the man said.

Guess he’s all scat and no chat.

In the Volunteer State, gas runs about $2.18. I didn’t call anybody. Looks we’ll hit one of the many Speedway stations for food and fuel. I have my eye on that Sriracha Chicken Toado off the Roller Grill.

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No need to call around North Carolina, where we’re spending some time with my family.

Sure, I may already have had a Moon Pie by Oklahoma, but the Old North State is in the south, where the graham cracker and marshmallow treat is a sweet staple.

Add in Carolina’s own Cheerwine — that cherry-flavored soda of the gods — and I’ll be in snack heaven from the Blue Ridge Mountains to the Atlantic Ocean.

With a belly full of joy, who cares how much gas costs there?

Staff writer Josh Dulaney can be reached at [email protected]